To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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