Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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