Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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