You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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