please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
