I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize