Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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