He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
