i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
