Even the bartender felt bad for me
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
