I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize