It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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