I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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