I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
