Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
it's great music for shaving your balls
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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