I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You did what with his pubic hair?
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