please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
