Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
