i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize