I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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