I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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