im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
