we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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