Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
