Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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