apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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