can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
