I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Fuck appropriateness.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
