I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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