You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
