OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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