He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
