Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
