im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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