i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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