I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
