i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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