Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
