Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
