News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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