I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
