I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
