I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He shit in the fireplace
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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