the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
