if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
