I love black thongs
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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