There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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