chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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