I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
