I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
