my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
