You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
