im six kinds of drunk right now
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
