I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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