Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
