my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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