i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
