so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
