He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
