I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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