I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
