i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
