If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
