I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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