You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
